(so not) a smart cookie

All my life, I've been brought up to believe that I was smart. That I absorbed things easily and grasped concepts quicker than a person of average intelligence. So with that belief in my head, I got complacent, lazy... I always got away with not studying and even though my results were not stellar, they were enough to get me by. I've lived with this notion throughout my primary, secondary and high school years. And I've always kind of believed it too. I guess I should have believed them when they said that University was the true test of your academic abilities. At the end of my first year, I realised that I wasn't as smart as I liked to think I was and I couldn't get away with my nonchalant attitude towards my studies. And I made up for being lazy all year by having to come back to Sydney early to do Summer School. Coming to Summer School made me sacrifice alot of things- like a possible trip overseas or spending more time in Thailand with Cher or spending time with my friends in Singapore. I had to sacrifice my time, my parent's money and my parent's time (since they flew back to Sydney to keep me company). I decided then, that I would start being a good, hardworking student and have a positive attitude to learning so I could prove myself. So I could prove that I could achieve good grades should I put more effort into my studies.


Boy, was I wrong there.


The past week, I've put a tremendous amount of effort into studying for my economics exam. I attended all my lectures and tutorials, did all the tutorial questions in my free time, went through the lecture notes, wrote my own study notes, did the practice MCQ questions and tried to understand the economic concepts. There were quite a few I still struggled to understand and barely grasped it before I sat the test. The test was challenging to me- the questions were tricky and the answers were not straightforward. It really tested your true understanding of economic concepts. But I thought I would do okay- I wouldn't fail, I probably wouldn't get a distinction, but I'd get a credit. A high credit, perhaps. I got the test results today.

I didn't fail. I didn't get a distinction. But I didn't get a credit. To be more specific, I passed by a mere mark. I PASSED BY ONE MARK. ALL THAT EFFORT I PUT IN AND I PASSED BY ONE MARK. I'm so embarrassed to announce my results publicly but I feel like its something I have to talk about.

When I was looking for my student number on the page of results, my heart was thumping with excitement and anticipation. At the back of my mind, I was hoping for a distinction (I secretly expected alot despite the test being challenging). I can't put into words the sheer disappointment I felt when I found my student number and saw my results. My heart literally sank into my stomach and now I feel discouraged and exhausted. I suppose at some level I always knew that I wasn't as smart as everyone said I was and as smart as I liked to believe I was. And I always protected myself from this disappointment by not putting any effort into my studies. Putting so much effort into something and not getting anything remotely good back is extremely draining and disappointing. (C.Chomp: If you're reading this, I get why you were depressed now)

The old me would have probably taken this discouragement and exhaustion and given up. But no, I will not give up. I will work twice as hard for the next test and make sure I fully understand economic concepts before I sit for it again. This embarrassing test result is not going to discourage me from aiming for a distinction. I know I can do it if I try harder. I will push myself to my academic limits and make sure I get something out of this. I am not giving up.

From the bottom of my sunken heart,
xoxo